Do most people feel like their life is a revolving door? I am almost certain that mine swings open and close and then decides to just switch doors — because why not? It gets to tricky to ever really feel like I am in a groove. Maybe the groove is the constant movement. I’m not sure. But it is one that I am figuring out. I often times think if I lean more into the change then the change will set me free. And in so many ways, this is true. I usually find myself thriving on change. It’s not that I don’t right now- it’s more that the greatest change in my identity has taken place. And in a very short amount of time. I am now a mother and I am officially getting out of the military.

What identity do I have outside the military?

I have used the military as a vehicle for introducing things in my life- whether that be people, skills, life experiences, challenges and discoveries. I was fully loaded in my journey in the United States Air Force. I have to admit I am going to miss being (sometimes) forced into the unknown. I really liked that part honestly. To have that sense of adventure and honor all rolled into one. How do I do that now? The pace of being a mother is quite slow. And the sense of adventure and honor may be there, but I don’t feel it the same way. Sometimes I feel the guilt of yearning for the thrill of it all that I got with the military and feeling that I am not getting that as a mother. I don’t want to feel this way because I know that being a mother trumps anything else I’ve ever done. Right?

Did I feel like my mission was complete?

I’m getting out of the military after 14 years and finishing my career as a Staff Sergeant. The answer to this question is NO. I saw myself as a Master Sergeant and wrapping up my career at the very least in a fulfilled position. I was just barely getting started in my career. Well, my career again. I have had several military careers. So maybe, that’s my fault. But it does bring on that sense of unfulfillment. I go back and worth whether it was me or the military that had me start/stop and constantly feel like I had just gotten to fulfilling a role before I moved somewhere else again. Emergency Management and my environmental protection specialist job for the state brought on two HUGE disappointments/setbacks. This led to Personnel which was a dead-end and yet another setback. In that role I was moved over to Services to help as a temp– but just to have it blow up in my face and put in a corner. After 7 years of interview after interview, careers going nowhere, I finally was led to an opportunity of a lifetime. My career as a Ground Radar Technician at the Range Squadron at Mountain Home AFB. This was an AGR (active duty guard) position and was going to be more money and less work and less hours. Too good to be true right? But it wasn’t. Yes, I enjoyed only one side of the job. Operations. But wishful thinking had me feeling like maybe they would split teams: Operations and Maintenance and then I could have my cake and eat it too. I made it to the 3 year mark. (including 7 1/2 months in Biloxi, MS for tech school.) Leaving the range squadron was really hard for me. It was the first time since the beginning of my career in Emergency Management (which went really well) that I felt like I had purpose, I was appreciated and I was finally in a sweet spot in my career. I was proud of myself and I really did enjoy the people that I worked with. But my life had changed. I was pregnant and me driving out to Mountain Home 4 days a week and doing TDY’s was not going to work as a mom. And when asked the question if I could make the sacrifice and not be home to see my baby grow up and under my care as a full time mom — the answer was no. I just knew that I couldn’t. It’s in my blood to be home with my baby. Even though, in reality, being home with my baby all the time is incredibly difficult. That sense of adventure is just not there. That’s my bread and butter. But this is the selfish talk. I have to talk myself out of these thoughts because being in the military didn’t make sense. I really wanted it to. In fact, I stayed in and transferred to the guard because I just couldn’t see myself not attached somehow. After about 5 drills, it was just too difficult to maintain sitters/Shelby watching Benny on the weekend. And my stress was too high with just 2/3 days because of the stress it put on Shelby and I’s relationship.

I was determined to make it work anyway. And then God had his way of showing me that being in the military just wasn’t making sense. Again, even if I really, really wanted it to. The requirement for COVID vaccines was the big push. I knew that being on a medical exemption for a short amount of time was not going to be enough. Eventually I was going to be forced to get the shot. After my scares with vaccines and not wanting the shot… I just knew at that point this was my exit. I asked for an honorable discharge under an ROC and it was granted. I’m actually surprised how supported I was and how leadership made it easy for me to get out without any repercussions.

May 1 is my last day in the military.

Then I am officially separated. No retirement ceremony. I just don’t go to drill anymore and poof I’m gone. I think that part really stings the most. But that’s how the military does it. So as much as I am emotionally attached in many ways, I have to find my own closure I suppose. Sometimes having discernment really isn’t all that great. But I’m leaning into what God wants for me and I will continue to do that. And when things are RIGHT – that’s all I need to know to move forward. It was right for me to wait for Shelby to come into my life and not settle with someone else. Because I was going to be settling. The right thing to do was wait and suffer. I did exactly that. And it felt wrong sometimes. Like, how is this okay? But looking back- it was right! This is another one of those seasons. What am I doing? Where am I going? But I know it’s right… so, I stick with it.