Blog+Belong

Little Declan boy is just days away! I am 10 days to my due date but my belly is showing it could be 10 hours. Declan dropped last week so it’s been most likely over 9 days since then and my midwife told me that most babies come out 7-9 days after drop. So I am definitely in that window. Although, with pregnancies it could be tonight, tomorrow or in a week+. The waiting game is a fun one. I was 4 days over with Bennett — so you just never know. I am sitting happy as long as I know that I can feel baby Decky and that he is okay.

Last week I did an ultrasound with My Baby You’ll Be and it brought such peace of mind. I don’t have any ultrasounds after 26 weeks because my OB typically doesn’t offer more than 2 (26 weeks/6 weeks). I do like that they are non-invasive with pregnancies but I also get a little curious as to how baby is doing and looking and all the things. I was already 37 weeks along so the recommended time frame for a 4D picture had expired out. However, they were able to get a little snap of his face showing just above his nose. He looks so cute and I am so excited to meet him even more. From the looks of it, he looks to have a Jackson nose just like Benny. Hmmm… so curious as to what other features he will have. Bennett was a total surprise because I expected a ginger with blue eyes and light skin. He is all the opposite of those things! He came out olive, full head of dark hair and beautiful dark eyes. We were able to see that Declan has hair too! Again, so curious as to the coloring of his skin, his eyes and his hair.

Shelby and I came to the name Declan almost in the same way that we came to the name Bennett. Once we heard it we knew that was the one. It took us a little bit longer to get to Declan. We had Caleb picked out but not settled with us. It was just a floating name. But as I continued to dig and look at “names with meanings” on Google I finally came across the name Declan. It means, “Full of goodness,” “Man of prayer.” I love it so much! Bennett’s name has meaning too which to Shelby and I it was very important to us. Bennett’s name means “Blessed One.” And boy is he ever!

I pray that Declan will be a man of prayer and full of goodness. That he will live up to that name and I am so hopeful that I will be able to pour into him all the things that God provides. I truly want both of my boys to know God, have a heart for HIM and lead by example. Declan has been way more active in my tummy than Bennett. Which blows my mind because Bennett is the most active kid on the planet and after picking him up from child care, I get frequently, “He is such a sweet and good boy. But definitely never stops moving and our most active kid.” So either Declan will be super active too or just getting it all out now. I pray that Declan will have wisdom and strength in discernment. Also that he will be kind and fun-loving. Being that he has Bennett as an older brother I am sure he is going to enjoy his childhood very much with the laughter and silliness that little boy brings!

Bennett is going to be the BEST older brother. One of his favorite books right now is Just Me and My Little Brother. And it is so cute! He knows which one is him and which one is Declan. He rubs my belly sometimes and he knows that belly is “baby.” I can’t wait to see him in that role. I’m a boy mom! Still can’t believe it. Always been surrounded by boys. Middle girl of two brothers, military jobs with more boys than you can count, and very often the only girl in the crew. Beanie is a boy too! So yeah, I’m outnumbered by a lot. But ya know, it’s great because I feel like I understand that dynamic so well and looking forward to sitting in it more.

Shelby has been so wonderful in being there for me to take care of Bennett so I can do all the things with this big pregnant belly. I am so grateful for him. We have been staying very active in this pregnancy. We attend a marriage group called ReEngage through our church Rock Harbor. It has been so nice to reflect on our marriage and have deep conversations regarding very important topics as we tip toe towards a big transition in our life. We also have been connecting with other like minded couples and developing more and more each day as a team in parenting and being proactive in directing the path to our lives. We have kept God close, and we keep making decisions together and in full force. I am so fortunate to have a husband that trusts in my thoughts and discernment and that we can come together as a unit to break down any decision that needs to be made or finding solutions to a problem. We do very well on the total involvement in pushing our wagons in the same direction. Thank God for that. I feel confident in what Shelby and I can do together. We work very well and I can already see how our parenting has brought such a good little human being in Bennett. I know that it will be the same for Declan. There is not a day that goes by that I am not aware of the importance of the wait that was necessary in meeting Shelby. I had to wait a very long time. 12+ years for him to come into my life. And it was worth every single day of wonder, uncertainty and hopefulness. God’s timing is the only timing I trust in with my life. HE IS and ALWAYS WILL BE – my compass.

Do most people feel like their life is a revolving door? I am almost certain that mine swings open and close and then decides to just switch doors — because why not? It gets to tricky to ever really feel like I am in a groove. Maybe the groove is the constant movement. I’m not sure. But it is one that I am figuring out. I often times think if I lean more into the change then the change will set me free. And in so many ways, this is true. I usually find myself thriving on change. It’s not that I don’t right now- it’s more that the greatest change in my identity has taken place. And in a very short amount of time. I am now a mother and I am officially getting out of the military.

What identity do I have outside the military?

I have used the military as a vehicle for introducing things in my life- whether that be people, skills, life experiences, challenges and discoveries. I was fully loaded in my journey in the United States Air Force. I have to admit I am going to miss being (sometimes) forced into the unknown. I really liked that part honestly. To have that sense of adventure and honor all rolled into one. How do I do that now? The pace of being a mother is quite slow. And the sense of adventure and honor may be there, but I don’t feel it the same way. Sometimes I feel the guilt of yearning for the thrill of it all that I got with the military and feeling that I am not getting that as a mother. I don’t want to feel this way because I know that being a mother trumps anything else I’ve ever done. Right?

Did I feel like my mission was complete?

I’m getting out of the military after 14 years and finishing my career as a Staff Sergeant. The answer to this question is NO. I saw myself as a Master Sergeant and wrapping up my career at the very least in a fulfilled position. I was just barely getting started in my career. Well, my career again. I have had several military careers. So maybe, that’s my fault. But it does bring on that sense of unfulfillment. I go back and worth whether it was me or the military that had me start/stop and constantly feel like I had just gotten to fulfilling a role before I moved somewhere else again. Emergency Management and my environmental protection specialist job for the state brought on two HUGE disappointments/setbacks. This led to Personnel which was a dead-end and yet another setback. In that role I was moved over to Services to help as a temp– but just to have it blow up in my face and put in a corner. After 7 years of interview after interview, careers going nowhere, I finally was led to an opportunity of a lifetime. My career as a Ground Radar Technician at the Range Squadron at Mountain Home AFB. This was an AGR (active duty guard) position and was going to be more money and less work and less hours. Too good to be true right? But it wasn’t. Yes, I enjoyed only one side of the job. Operations. But wishful thinking had me feeling like maybe they would split teams: Operations and Maintenance and then I could have my cake and eat it too. I made it to the 3 year mark. (including 7 1/2 months in Biloxi, MS for tech school.) Leaving the range squadron was really hard for me. It was the first time since the beginning of my career in Emergency Management (which went really well) that I felt like I had purpose, I was appreciated and I was finally in a sweet spot in my career. I was proud of myself and I really did enjoy the people that I worked with. But my life had changed. I was pregnant and me driving out to Mountain Home 4 days a week and doing TDY’s was not going to work as a mom. And when asked the question if I could make the sacrifice and not be home to see my baby grow up and under my care as a full time mom — the answer was no. I just knew that I couldn’t. It’s in my blood to be home with my baby. Even though, in reality, being home with my baby all the time is incredibly difficult. That sense of adventure is just not there. That’s my bread and butter. But this is the selfish talk. I have to talk myself out of these thoughts because being in the military didn’t make sense. I really wanted it to. In fact, I stayed in and transferred to the guard because I just couldn’t see myself not attached somehow. After about 5 drills, it was just too difficult to maintain sitters/Shelby watching Benny on the weekend. And my stress was too high with just 2/3 days because of the stress it put on Shelby and I’s relationship.

I was determined to make it work anyway. And then God had his way of showing me that being in the military just wasn’t making sense. Again, even if I really, really wanted it to. The requirement for COVID vaccines was the big push. I knew that being on a medical exemption for a short amount of time was not going to be enough. Eventually I was going to be forced to get the shot. After my scares with vaccines and not wanting the shot… I just knew at that point this was my exit. I asked for an honorable discharge under an ROC and it was granted. I’m actually surprised how supported I was and how leadership made it easy for me to get out without any repercussions.

May 1 is my last day in the military.

Then I am officially separated. No retirement ceremony. I just don’t go to drill anymore and poof I’m gone. I think that part really stings the most. But that’s how the military does it. So as much as I am emotionally attached in many ways, I have to find my own closure I suppose. Sometimes having discernment really isn’t all that great. But I’m leaning into what God wants for me and I will continue to do that. And when things are RIGHT – that’s all I need to know to move forward. It was right for me to wait for Shelby to come into my life and not settle with someone else. Because I was going to be settling. The right thing to do was wait and suffer. I did exactly that. And it felt wrong sometimes. Like, how is this okay? But looking back- it was right! This is another one of those seasons. What am I doing? Where am I going? But I know it’s right… so, I stick with it.

I still can’t believe that our little Benny Bear is officially a toddler. I still call him my baby though. I finally understand why so many parents to older children still call their kids babies. I get it! That memory of seeing your baby I think truly stays with you. He’s going to grow up — where I start to see a little boy, then a little man, then a man and I bet I’ll still see that baby. Such a special bond! God has designed it so perfectly. Shelby and I are CERTAIN that we have the most beautiful boy. It takes just a few trips to Costco to know that after being stopped by countless people to say, “Your baby is so cute!” Has showed me that him being the cutest baby in the entire world must be true. No doubts! 🙂

What a year it has been!

Being a mom has changed me so much and I have seen first hand the sacrifices that mom’s make for their babies. Why in the world do mothers only have a day? They should have a whole month! This is a no brainer to me. Shelby and I are already talking about having another one. WE ARE TALKING. Although- this last time we did more trying than not trying. So… Time will tell. I am tracking my cycle so it’s been nice to know when my ovulation cycle begins/ends and when my periods are due. I am grateful that everything is lining up where it was before pregnancy. I am a little nervous. Because now I know what is coming. Before it was all a mystery and I could just kind of wait to see and then figure it out. I’m well aware of the annoyances of back pain, leg pain, nausea —- that list does go on but no need to be a downer ya know? 😉 Of course, there are many amazing things that pregnancy brings. That GLOW, the community outreach of people who congratulate you and are so excited for you (SO COOL), and the planning and prepping, the reveal of the gender, the sweet OBGYN moments of checking the heart and much more of course. I have to remember those moments and lead with them because the first list tends to distract from the GOOD stuff.

Shelby and I want a girl. I think… haha. Well, the truth is we are good with either. I know that we are planning on having the two. So of course, having a girl would make a complete set. But then I think about how brothers are buds and my own brothers relationship and Shelby and Tyler. Also, then, I think of my own relationship with my brothers and that is a win-win too. I guess it is safe to say we are happy with both dynamics. I get a little worried about the mom-daughter relationship because of the issues that I have had with my mom. But I know that God will guide me and that mom-daughter relationship will be different. Comparing is the worst evil. It really is. I am officially in the baby fever and mindset of PREGNANCY. Praying for the journey and that I can keep up with it all. Bennett is in toddler mode and I’m pretty sure is in fourth gear going on fifth. And if there is a sixth gear in there, he will find it. Toddler and pregnant? How does that work? I guess I will find out. I know that I am in good company. First of all, my mom had 3 kids in 3 years! She was in her late teens/early 20’s. But the moral of the story- IT CAN BE DONE! I think it would be really cool to have a spring baby again. I didn’t mind being pregnant in the winter time. It’s a constant heat wave on the inside so no need for layers.

Shelby and I are going to be moving into our new house. We found a home that was halfway built when we showed interest and so fortunate to have been given the opportunity to put a deposit down and have it be ours! Otherwise, it was going to go to market in May. The original buyers had to pull out because of some financial issues they were having but it turns out they are investors and ended up making other purchases with other homes with Gardner homes. So it all worked out for them! When one thing doesn’t work out for someone else- it gets picked up for someone else. Love how that works! When Shelby and I started our house hunting journey (late December) we found what we thought at the time, the perfect house. We were stretched for cash at the time and so when we put our offer in it was really all we could afford. The seller picked another offer which was only a difference of $5,000. We were mad at the time because we felt like our offer was the better offer all around – however, it was the cash that won. Which usually is the case in this housing market. Shelby being the guy that he is, was still full speed ahead in looking for houses. After the loss of the house we wanted, he suggested we go back to Bridgetower West and look around neighborhood and see if there was anything else available. Sure enough- there were several houses that were being built and one that was complete and on market.

We found the same floor plan to the house that we lost out on and there were 3 of them being built. We looked at one (which ended up being the one we got) and decided at first it was not facing the right direction mostly because Shelby initially didn’t want his office facing the long street. The other one we thought we might like the most but then realized the outside of the house wasn’t matching what we had in mind and the backyard had absolutely no privacy. We have no privacy in the house we are currently in so this was a big one for us. The last house was tucked away somewhat by itself and again we weren’t fans of the outside look to the house. When we went back to the house that we are now getting, we did a double take. We realized in comparison to the others this one was actually the best one! It’s funny how you sometimes need a second look. We saw that there was an extended patio in the back that reached across to the primary bedroom. Also, the outside was going to be exactly what we would want for outside look. Then, we noticed that it was East facing (not frying us in the backyard at the end of the day) and that the yard itself wasn’t weird shaped like the other houses and was the perfect square with privacy because the neighbors weren’t facing us directly.

So as our distraction went to towards this house — much to our amazement we found out that there were many upgrades that the other houses were not going to have. One being the tech space would be a butlers pantry, the living spaces (6) all had closets and now could be considered bedrooms for resale. Closets are everywhere! It is an organizers dream. This house we are currently in- no closet space and it gets tricky in hiding things. Also, the half bath downstairs is a full bath! And the house has brick on the outside which we absolutely love and the other houses were just paint and trim. The house also comes with black doors and black windows. These are all things we didn’t know until after we decided to go with this house. God is amazing in how things come together and it reflects little blessings like this! We are very excited. We have also found in waiting that we know several people that will be our neighbors and they are good people. I haven’t lived anywhere longer than 2 years in the last 10 years. And I have moved 10 times…literally.

I told Shelby that this is the “almost” forever home, because I would like to live here for a long time. 15 years maybe… I would really like that and even more so, need that. I got to get some roots down, some memories with people that I don’t have to constantly say goodbye to and I want Bennett to be comfortable with routines and being in his childhood home. I think that it is important to have that as a kid. We are going to be almost 30 mins away from my parents but I have no problem driving to see them. Even though my mo would prefer that I be closer because she wants all of us within 5 minutes. And guess what? She actually had that for like 5 years. Not bad for 3 kids and we all make up a 3 mile radius. Unfortunately, we are going to break that 3 mile square…. sorry Mom.

9 months. Yes, already!! 9 months of being pregnant with each trimester bringing in something new. And different. The same can be said in the 9 months of Benny being out of the womb and into the world. He is constantly bringing something new. A something different. I never can get too comfortable because change is what it is all about. I have really grown fond of the 4-9 month stage. Benny isn’t a baby but also not a little boy. It’s this sweet in-between stage that is just so precious and delightful. I’m eating it up!

Bennett’s thriving and I am so grateful for his loving and sweet spirit. From the first week he was born, he was so inquisitive and looking around. Even when he couldn’t see. I knew that we had a little curious fella on our hands. As soon as he could make eye contact with someone- he did. And held gaze and would smile. I was astounded to hear that for a baby this is not common. And have noticed other babies do not hold gaze and smile. He truly loves people. And because we are ahead of the game- It is my goal to raise Bennett to love GOD and love God with his whole heart. He will love GOD and (because he already does) love people. And boom. My work is done. Okay, not entirely…. but I’m working to redeem this bible verse in Benny’s life. May the words of loving God and loving people be weaved throughout his life. It will serve him well.

Written on March 16, 2021

This is my little guy at 16 weeks— I am 37 weeks now.

Our beautiful little Baby Bennett is on his way! He will be here in the next few weeks or maybe even sooner. Being pregnant has taught me so many things about myself that I never knew. One of them being that growing a little person is truly a miracle. How my body has responded to each stage of pregnancy is astonishing. I have been fortunate to have a smooth pregnancy and I have been so grateful to God for his love and guidance through out. I didn’t know what to expect. And so I did everything I could to focus on being grateful, positive and active every step of the way. I would say the biggest gripe of pregnancy is the nausea and the restless leg syndrome at night. But other than that- I am capable of managing all the little pregnancy woes.

I think about the little human that I am creating. And what I think of often is what he is going to look like. What is his little personality going to be like? Will he be a good human being? Will I be able to lead him to God in all things? I know that he is entering a world that is very confusing and subjective to fallacies. I hope that he can decipher what is true and what is not. My biggest challenge as his mom is to show him love in all things and courage to have discernment. I hope that he will be able to lead others as well. My prayer for Bennett is that he will bring joy wherever he goes– shedding light on God’s love. Even as a kid, I pray that for him.

I think about the little human that I am creating. And what I think of often is what he is going to look like. What is his little personality going to be like? Will he be a good human being? Will I be able to lead him to God in all things? I know that he is entering a world that is very confusing and subjective to fallacies. I hope that he can decipher what is true and what is not. My biggest challenge as his mom is to show him love in all things and courage to have discernment. I hope that he will be able to lead others as well. My prayer for Bennett is that he will bring joy wherever he goes– shedding light on God’s love. Even as a kid, I pray that for him.

I love my Benny boy so much already. And I am so in love with my husband. He is my best friend and has been a pillar of strength for me throughout this pregnancy. Having a husband that wakes up every morning delighted to see you and eager to open the word of God is EVERYTHING I could of hoped for.

Our maternity photos were taken by my friend Jill from high school. They turned out so good! It was a little chilly but it ended up being a beautiful evening.

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